How to Know When Your Elderly Parents Need Help at Home and When to Step In

If you’ve determined you can no longer continue to care for your parent, it’s time to make a secondary plan for them and talk to your family about it. This decision will likely affect them, and they might need some time to process what’s happening.

Many family caregivers end up feeling guilty, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted. This is caregiver burnout, and it’s common. Acknowledge these feelings as you think about your options moving forward. We’ve outlined steps below to help make this process easier.

1. Reframe Your Decision

It’s normal to feel guilty when you decide to stop being the primary caregiver for a loved one. This isn’t easy—it never is. But it’s important to find the light in this change.

Instead of viewing it as giving up, reframe how you think about the situation. View it as a shift in how you provide care. Guilt is not the way forward.

As Sara Honn Qualls, Director of the Gerontology Center at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, says, “I’ve been providing care in one way, and now I need to provide it in another way.” This doesn’t mean you have to stop caring—it just means your role is evolving.

Maybe your loved one needs care that you’re not equipped to provide, such as memory care or skilled nursing. In these cases, transitioning to specialized care, like assisted living or bringing in a home health aide, could be the most loving thing you can do for them. It’s not about abandoning your role—it’s about making sure they get the right care from professionals who are trained to handle those needs.

2. Consider How Others Will Be Affected

Your decision to stop taking care of your elderly parent is a big one, and it’s likely to affect the rest of your family, too. They might resent your decision, throw shade, or feel like they’ll be forced to step in and handle more caregiving duties.

Change can be uncomfortable.

Family dynamics are complicated, and this decision might bring up old tensions or resentments, especially when emotions are running high.

To help guide the conversation, Sara Honn Qualls recommends asking a question like, “What is most important to you about Mom’s life from today until the day she dies?” This simple but powerful question can help everyone focus on what’s best for your parent, rather than getting stuck in family dynamics or perceived shortcomings.

If you think your siblings or other family members might be surprised by your decision, it’s a good idea to give them time to process before diving into next steps. For example, you might say, “I’d like to set aside some time next week to discuss Dad’s care. I think we need to talk about what our other options are.”

This approach allows your family to gather their thoughts and gives them time to reflect before the discussion gets too deep. It’s about finding a way to collaborate, not make things harder on anyone.

3. Communicate from a Team Approach

When it’s time to discuss these changes, it’s important to approach the conversation from a team perspective. You’re not trying to tell your family what to do or force them into something they’re not ready for.

Try using phrases that make it clear you’re in this together:

“Here’s what I’m thinking.”

“I could really use your help with the next steps.”

“What do you think we should do?”

“Do you have any other ideas?”

Discussions like this can get tense, and that’s natural. But rather than getting stuck in arguments, focus on the facts. You’ve given your all. Backlash might occur, but stay cool-headed.

You might say, “I know some things could’ve been done differently, but I’ve really reached my max and need some help.”

Remember, it’s not about anyone being right or wrong—it’s about making sure your parent gets the care they need. If your family is willing, let them know they can step in and take over caregiving duties.

If the conversation becomes too difficult to manage, bring in a neutral third party. A geriatric care manager, elder mediator, or family therapist can help keep the discussion on track. Your local Area Agency on Aging can also help you find someone who can assist with these conversations.

4. Remember to Acknowledge Your Emotions

Do you feel like others are judging you for not being a “good enough” child or sibling? Do you find yourself thinking you could have done better, or that you’re somehow abandoning the caregiving plan you set out to follow? If you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone—these feelings are natural, but they’re also temporary. It’s okay to feel exhausted, lonely, or resentful. These emotions often surface when caregivers reach their limits or have to set boundaries later than they should.

Other caregivers have been in your shoes. Caregiver burnout is more common than you think. Consider joining a support group, either in-person or online. Talking to others who understand your struggles can provide relief and remind you of your strength.

Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted isn’t just an emotional reaction—it’s a sign that the current caregiving arrangement may not be sustainable in the long term. If you feel bad about stepping away, remind yourself that this change isn’t about neglecting your loved one; it’s about finding a solution that works for both of you. You’re doing what’s best for your parent and for yourself, and there may be another option that leaves you both happier and less stressed.

5. Come Prepared with Suggestions

When it’s time to talk to your family about stepping back from caregiving, it’s a good idea to bring a few options to the table. Instead of just saying what you can’t do, try offering some realistic ideas for what happens next. Maybe your parent needs a part-time caregiver to help around the house, or maybe they need more full-time care, like moving into an assisted living facility—whatever feels right.

If you're not sure how much care your parent actually needs, try making an appointment with their doctor. A neutral, professional opinion can help clarify what level of care they need and whether they’d do better at home, in assisted living, or another option. It can also help take the pressure off you, especially when it’s hard to know what’s best.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the options and unsure where to start, let your family know. They might actually appreciate the chance to help you out. Some of them might even be relieved to have a concrete task to focus on. Keep an open mind—they might have suggestions you hadn’t thought of.

What’s the Next Step?

Once you’ve had the discussion with your family and made the decision that your aging loved one needs more help than you or your siblings can provide, it’s time to explore what care options are available.

You don’t have to figure this all out by yourself. Amory can be a great resource to help you navigate your options, like home care, assisted living, care homes, or memory care. They can guide you through what’s best for your loved one’s specific needs.

By connecting with a Senior Care Advisor, you’ll get help in understanding the different care options in your area, information about senior care services, help assessing your situation, and answers to any questions you have. Plus, you can get guidance on facilitating family discussions and making sure everyone is on the same page, with unbiased advice to guide the process.

Taking the next step doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It’s about feeling supported and informed as you explore the best options for your loved one. If you’re not sure where to begin, contacting a Senior Care Advisor can make the whole process a little easier.

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No, you can't be legally forced to take care of an elderly parent. However, if they rely on you for care and you stop providing it without making alternative care plans, it may be considered neglect or elder abuse.

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